Happy Hexennacht, my fellow European’s! For those of you unaware, 30 April is Walpurgis Night, the halfway point to Halloween, and some believe that 30 April is the second most haunted night of the year. In Deutschland we would gather around a bonfire as to ward off the evils and scare off the witches and ultimately to welcome Spring.
Back where I lived in Deutschland, all of my friends would gather for a bonfire, barbecuing, and drinking.
Before people start jumping to conclusions and lashing out, note this as my disclaimer.
Anyone that knows me is aware that I am genuinely fond of Germans and Germany. Oh, and I’m German. Even as the author of this article notes, it is humorous and hard not live in a place for an extended amount of time and without learning or picking up on a few things.
Cross at a Red Light (with Small Children)
The simplest and best way to provoke some classic Teutonic anger is to meander across the road when the light is showing red. You’ll be risking a fine for jaywalking and you may even be mowed down by a speeding vehicle, but it’s worth it to witness the expressions awaiting you on the other side of the road.
Stare Back at Them Using Binoculars
If staring was an Olympic sport, the Germans would win Gold every time. In places like the UK and the USA, staring at strangers for sustained amounts of time can get you yelled at, punched or even killed. In Germany, staring openly is something that just happens – like breathing or walking. Germans don’t just stare at you, they stare through you, mostly through genuine curiosity but sometimes critically.
Use Fancy English Words They Don’t understand
Most Germans speak very good English, which makes them slightly smug. This is mainly because many German words, as Mark Twain once noted, are “so long that they have a perspective.” One of the shortest words in the German dictionary is Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz, for example, which loosely means “No”. The longest word in English, Antidisestablishmentarianism, is pathetic in comparison, so a long-word battle isn’t going to work. Instead, take advantage of English’s arcane vocabulary, sprinkling long-forgotten words like “circumbilivagination” and “epalpebrate” throughout the conversation as if they were commonplace.
Urinate Standing Up
This one is for men and is based on a subtle cultural anomaly in Germany where men tend to pee sitting down. There’s even a name for men who do this: sitzpinklers; those who insist on standing — and therefore spraying, maintain the (mostly female) critics — are called stehpinklers. This is not a massively advertised national trait and applies mostly to domestic situations; even the most house-trained German men don’t wee sitting down in clubs or public toilets.
Say You Don’t Like Asparagus, Especially if it’s White
Germans are absolutely, uncontrollably cuckoo-crazy about asparagus (spargel). It’s been dubbed the ‘vegetable of kings’ and ‘edible ivory’. What’s more, it’s not the usual green variety they obsess over, but white asparagus, which the rest of the world generally regards with suspicion.
Recycle Erroneously
Germans were busy recycling things back when most of us were still learning how to use our opposable thumbs. Hence their recycling infrastructure, refined over various millennia, has very strict rules involving colored bins for different forms of rubbish (plastic, tin, food etc.).
Break the News That No One Outside Germany has Seen Dinner For One
Asking a German person if they know Dinner For One is a guaranteed way to make their eyes light up. The film is about a bonkers aristocrat (Miss Sophie) who celebrates her 90th birthday with friends who, given they’ve all died off, are imaginary. Her butler, James, comically fills in for each of them, mimicking their voices, drinking their toasts in turn and getting steadily more sloshed. It’s been shown every New Year’s Eve in Germany since the early 70s and is nothing short of a national institution.
Set Your Alarm & Grab the Sun Loungers First
Vacationing Deutsch folk are notorious worldwide for their lounger-bagging. So much so, that in 2009, Thomas Cook set up a booking service to help Germans bag their loungers before they’d even boarded the plane. For maximum vexation, set an alarm to get up in the middle of the night and cover all available sun loungers with towels.
Home sweet home.
German national team coach Joachim Löw confirmed on Thursday, that 34-year-old midfielder, Michael Ballack’s future with the team is over.
“The last few months have shown that many young players have stepped into the spotlight and have good prospects,” Löw said in a statement.
Ballack, who re-signed last season with Bayer Leverkusen eight years after having left the club, made 98 appearances for his country.
Everyone remember that one Sunday night when there were parties all over America in celebration of Osama bin Laden? Well, yikes! Good thing we were celebrating in Deutschland.
On Monday, 2nd May, Chancellor Merkel made a statement that she was “glad” Osama bin Laden had been killed and the media, many Germans and one judge made it a trending topic throughout the country.
A judge from Hamburg said Merkel’s comment was illegal and therefore he filed a criminal complaint. The judge cited section 140 of the German Criminal Code, which does not allow the the “rewarding and approving” of crimes. Supposdely he violation is punishable by up to three years of imprisonment or a fine.
“Bin Laden was the leader of an international terrorist network who sponsored monstrous crimes,” Merkel told the Passauer Neue Presse on 7th May.
English | German
Christmas tree | Tannenbaum
ornament | Ornament
present | Bescherung
tinsel | Lametta
advent | Advent
bell | Glocke
candle | Kerze
Christmas card | Weihnachtskarte
mistletoe | Mistelzweig
Santa Claus | Weihnachtsmann
wreath | Kranz
To some the nutcracker may be one that is only a symbol of the holiday season, but to others it is reflection on a time old proverb from German ancestry.
German folklore states that nutcrackers in the form of toy soldiers were given to children as keepsakes in order to bring good luck and protection. The nutcrackers also came with the reminder that even when given rewards, one must do the hard work to reap the gifts. The folklore left this reminder with a proverb: “God gives us the nuts but we have to break them ourselves.” Children were taught that life can be hard but it can also be rewarding. The toy figured nutcrackers helped the popularity of instilling this proverb throughout Germany.
During World War II, American soldiers brought home the toy soldiers to family and friends as fun mementos. They soon became a popular collector’s item and sparked the interest in many to see Marius Petipa, Lev Ivanov, and Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky’s The Nutcracker, which opened in 1954 at The New York City Ballet.
Today, nutcrackers still carry a form of mysticism in popular culture even though the traditions of the soldiers have been forgotten by some. Many find the nutcrackers fascinating in their creation and character. The soliders have taken the form of playful little men and honorable representations of marines in the United States Marine Corp. New meanings and memories have been placed upon the wooden men. Though the symbolism has changed, inspiration still lurks behind the shadow of the little solider eyes for generations to create new tales of mystery and wonder for the holiday season.
The German TV premiere of Glee is 17th Januar, maybe I’ll actually watch the show now. But let’s be real, probably not…
Satellite performed by Lena Meyer-Landrut
Deutscheland took 1st Place in the Eurovision Song Contest. via
The reason for leaving work crying is:
a) stressful day
b) fired/let go
c) truly being impacted by someone in the most uplifting way
d) none of the above
After the evening I have had, I would circle C. Let me explain why…
For the last six days the National Rifle Association has once again hosted their Bianchi Cup in Columbia, Missouri. This world championship brings competitors from all over the world including Australia, Canada, Germany, Italy, Japan, New Zealand, Netherlands, Switzerland, and the United Arab Emirates. I am always surprised to find that the people involved with the NRA are actually some of the nicest, well mannered people around; true gentlemen. This year was no exception. From the couple that asked me to recommend a CoMo local restaurant every evening to the national coordinator honouring me with a Secret Service pin, and finally watching music artist, Mark Willis, flirt with my friend Flo every evening. I truly enjoy these folks.
This year there was an addition to these wonderful people and memories, the group from Deutschland. At first, I took advantage of them by speaking to them so that I could remind myself how much I truly missed Germany. Soon thereafter, I think they confided in me. I would come into work daily being told by co-workers that the German’s have been asking for me all day. I felt anxious. After speaking to Arnd and his girlfriend every day and their friend Bernd, I really made a connection with them. From simple getting to know you conversation, to helping Arnd surprise his girlfriend with a birthday present and helping Bernd with some things, I truly considered them friends.
This evening was no exception. After speaking to Arnd and his girlfriend for a bit, Bernd approached me, took off a pin from his sport coat and asked me to put out my hand. On it, he layed a pin which held the Fourth Star of Deutschland. I was in shock. I went speechless. There wasn’t German or English in my head, there was just memories. Instant flashbacks to growing up in Germany. Instant flashbacks to my memories the last few days with Arnd. Instant sadness that these wonderful, beautiful people would be leaving me. They were going home. I wanted to go home. I realized at that moment I wanted to be happy. I looked at Bernd and all I could do was smile.
I don’t know what Bernd thought by giving me the pin, but to me, I cannot describe the feeling that overcame my entire body. Sitting here, thinking about it, putting it into words is still too much. I miss them. I miss Germany. I’m going to let my mind wonder.
32 Nations, 1 world watching, FIFA World Cup.
